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witchscauldronI was going to game tonight - honest! Instead, it's the third game in a row I've missed. Sicker than a damn dog - not the fun (relatively speaking) of vomiting stomach acid. No, all the joy is down at t'other damn end. I'd prefer the vomit. I don't know if it's the glucophase, or what.
I think I have it figured, though. I'm not stressed. I don't really stress about game...not at the surface, anyway. But I can't go. Anxious. Makes me absolutely anxious to think, or worse yet BE, surrounded by 40 other people. I don't want to have a social anxiety disorder, but over the last while it's gotten worse.
I'm no good at parties - mostly I avoid them, or at best sit in a corner and put up my invisibility forcefield. Why would LARP be any different? Doesn't make me hold out much hope for travelling places, visiting new and strange people, trying new things.
It does make me cry, tho. Jason left tonight for game, having breezed in at fucking 7:40 pm (a piss-off in and of itself, but neither here nor there), asking why I wasn't already at game (as if I'd go without him), if I'd eaten (as if I'd eat without him, not knowing when he'd come home), and then if I was ready to go. I was working on some pendants. I'd had those gods-awful clenching pains and a half-hour in the bathroom 40 minutes before he came home - like I wanted to go out and eat McDonald's or something equally joyous to my colon. I went to put my boots on - and thusly ran back to the bathroom and spent another 10 minutes there. I told him I wasn't going. He left.
He left, and I started to cry. The car didn't even leave the driveway, and I was crying. I don't know why, but I spent 45 minutes just fucking bawling. I'm sure my cats were staring at me like I was some sort of leaky alien, all black streaked (running eyeliner) and blubbering. I just couldn't stop. I don't know why I started. *sigh*
I can tell when I'm having panic attacks. I just can't stop them at any point.
Blah. So I am here, cramping and clutching my guts, having had to eat something despite the pain, bored out of my mind. Diet soda still tastes like ass. Tonight I would gladly put a gun barrel in my mouth and paint the walls Hint O' Brain. As it stands, I'll probably just fuck around with my clay some more and try not to think.
-m.
I think I have it figured, though. I'm not stressed. I don't really stress about game...not at the surface, anyway. But I can't go. Anxious. Makes me absolutely anxious to think, or worse yet BE, surrounded by 40 other people. I don't want to have a social anxiety disorder, but over the last while it's gotten worse.
I'm no good at parties - mostly I avoid them, or at best sit in a corner and put up my invisibility forcefield. Why would LARP be any different? Doesn't make me hold out much hope for travelling places, visiting new and strange people, trying new things.
It does make me cry, tho. Jason left tonight for game, having breezed in at fucking 7:40 pm (a piss-off in and of itself, but neither here nor there), asking why I wasn't already at game (as if I'd go without him), if I'd eaten (as if I'd eat without him, not knowing when he'd come home), and then if I was ready to go. I was working on some pendants. I'd had those gods-awful clenching pains and a half-hour in the bathroom 40 minutes before he came home - like I wanted to go out and eat McDonald's or something equally joyous to my colon. I went to put my boots on - and thusly ran back to the bathroom and spent another 10 minutes there. I told him I wasn't going. He left.
He left, and I started to cry. The car didn't even leave the driveway, and I was crying. I don't know why, but I spent 45 minutes just fucking bawling. I'm sure my cats were staring at me like I was some sort of leaky alien, all black streaked (running eyeliner) and blubbering. I just couldn't stop. I don't know why I started. *sigh*
I can tell when I'm having panic attacks. I just can't stop them at any point.
Blah. So I am here, cramping and clutching my guts, having had to eat something despite the pain, bored out of my mind. Diet soda still tastes like ass. Tonight I would gladly put a gun barrel in my mouth and paint the walls Hint O' Brain. As it stands, I'll probably just fuck around with my clay some more and try not to think.
-m.
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Date: 2002-11-27 06:42 am (UTC)I really wasn't feeling well, either. And I do have anxiety attacks when there are too many people somewhere and I'm either in a small space with them, or I expect to be. I'd had something planned for the LARP session for about a week and a half that involved me getting confrontational and making some harsh statements to a group of the players - I guess I freaked out over that.
Everything was fine when Jason came home last night. I just needed my very own personal space. I doubt I'll be going back to LARP any time soon, though. Can't handle it.
-m.