Dreaming.

[witchscauldron]

Last night's dreams again made no sense...been having a lot of those. However, it is noteworthy because I Changed. When I have Changing dreams, I always wonder what exactly is causing it and why. I am almost always fighting for something...and I am almost always angered in some way.

My Changing, these days, is always somewhat of a perceptional challenge rather than something tangible, like it used to be. It seems to depend very strongly on the level of awareness of the people I am around, or the places I am in. One person may perceive me as human, yet another as a human with animalistic features, someone else as pure wolf, and still another as the Hollywood/horror wolf-man, digigrade fury. All of those perceptions happen simultaneously - it is as if I am able to hide what I am from people with lesser awareness, while those who are more alert to the world (both physical and spritual) are clearly able to see what I am...and yet what I am seems to depend on the individual.

Strange. I have been Changing more in the physical world as well...mostly in the eyes, and in the gut. *LOL* Food-wise I'm in the fall mode - lots and lots of protein for winter. I want to curl up and sleep, or chase leaves, or hunt. Hunting is the big one...my dreams all involve hunting lately, in one form or another.





I'm also a little uncomfortable with something else changing about me - I don't feel as if I'm in control of it, and it's making me somewhat anxious. I have been stared at most of my life...it seemed to have stopped when I moved here, pretty much. I was quite happy with that... After talking with Hathor, she said she would give me a gift - that no-one would let me pass without looking at me, or without being noticed, and that everyone would see the strength and light within me as if it was without, so they would truly see me. I could leave fear behind.

Well, I thought I'd been without fear for a while now. Probably a different kind of fear - The Morrigan and I have discussed fear at length before, and I treat fear as something necessary, and something to be overcome by sacrificing it to Her. Now I have Hathor, saying I can leave fear behind?

I'm confused. I thought I was doing ok on my own. But I can tell that there is a difference - I mean, since I met Hathor, I've been working through my fear of spiders. It's coming slowly, but it's definitely coming...the fake ones don't bug me as much anymore. I had a big spider crawl out of my boot in my dream last night, and it didn't scare me.

That's not the issue tho - the new issue is I'm starting to get a little anxious about leaving the house - I keep getting stared at. A lot. I don't like being scrutinized.

And it's not that they're bad - that's the whole thing. O_o It's not people staring like I'm a freak. I'm rather inured to that; I don't think I'd even notice anymore. It's people staring at me because they *like* the way I look. Or that they see something they like about me. It's entirely positive, and yet I seem to be upset by it. How screwed up is that? I can accept people thinking I look strange, but I can't accept people thinking I look nice.

I mean...I got "the look" from a couple of people on the bus yesterday, and a couple of girls at the bank - not a brief glance, but the "eyes flicking up and down your body trying to look like they're not" look. And when I walk by people just trying to get to someplace, virtually everyone looks at me, and then nods or smiles. I'm not used to that. I was rather comfortable in my invisibility - it's a long cultured habit, or skill, or whatever. I know that when I flick that mental switch, I'm a ghost. People quite literally walk past without seeing. It doesn't seem to work anymore.

Then when I was in Shopper's Drug Mart, I got totally weirded out. I was looking at hair colour and nail polish (bad fetish - I have 80+ bottles already), and the whole time the cosmetic counter lady was watching me, kinda hovering, trying to look like she wasn't looking. I was getting hackled, so I moved and faced her; she kinda gave a start, and blurted out "Do you need help with anything?" I said no, I was just browsing...and she continued to stare at me for a few seconds before coming out with "You have the most beautiful complexion!".

o_O I do? I said thank you, and then had to leave the store...I was really wigged out. I mean...I've had acne since I was 12, and I am fighting some nasty eczema...no-one has ever told me I had a beautiful complexion. O_o I think I'm mostly healthy, I'm happy with the way I look...I just don't expect anyone else to think I look good, I guess.


Meh. Long post. Trying to sort out all the crap in my head.