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witchscauldronThe root of all evil, I think.
So YES, I put a picture up for auction of myself that Goldenwolf drew for me. Now I hear they're all up in arms about it. Well, welcome to my reality - I'M BROKE.
Not "Oh I can't afford a new shirt" broke. Not "Oh, no new CD for me!" broke. No "Oh, I can't afford to see a movie today" broke. It's BROKE.
I can't feed my cats - something I loathe. I'd rather starve myself than not be able to feed my animals. I can't feed us either, tho. We have no food in the house, and can't buy more. We can't pay any of our bills. Our rent eats Jason's miserable paycheque. We can't afford to go out and sit anywhere with a drink, or have a puppy, or any of the niceties of life.
Yeah, so you don't want the whole fucking sob story. I don't blame you. I certainly don't like living it. As previous posts have indicated, I'm ready to throw away my whole life I've established here, just to work a full-time job, kill myself, and give Jason a chance to live up to his potential. I LOVE him. I don't want to see him stuck where he is forever.
It's about damn time I pulled my weight.
Until then, I hope and I pray and I work here, online. I advertise my auctions. I try to do what I can from home to help ease our load. It's not doing it anymore. No-one's buying in the summer lull. And there's no-one here that's going to bail me out - no-one's going to pay my bills - no-one's going to hand me money. I don't want anyone to - It's about damn time I had my own pride. This is my own life. I determine whether I succeed or fail.
My cats can't wait for the summer lull to end so they can eat - esp. not Liath. She's nursing. Everytime she cries because she's hungry it makes me feel utterly worthless. What kind of human being can't keep a cat fed?
I am selling one of the only things that a)I can part with, and b)that has any worth online. Anything else I can do has failed. There's no alterior motive - I just really need the money.
YES, I am a fucking HAG, if you like. One can only throw energy into a black hole for so long. I've tried leaving things open-ended (although I'm sure you find that hard to believe)to see if someday someone will talk to me, to find out why I'm angry and frustrated, and I get a wall. I'm not going to spend forever staring at a wall wondering if it'll ever come down. I wish I had that much patience.
To be honest, the picture you made me, Christy, is hollow. It doesn't bring me joy anymore. Instead, it makes me wonder if you ever really gave a damn about me. It's not vibrant, or living - it's just a piece of paper with a dead face on it. So perhaps selling it serves two purposes - a)money, and b)the final cleansing. It doesn't do me any good to keep it. One would think that if I'm the hag you think I am, that I would have destroyed it, or defaced it, or something much more hurtful than passing it on for someone else to enjoy. If I had the means, I'd simply send it back to you. Call it closure.
So go ahead and rant and rail in your ivory tower. Your words will never reach me - I get second-hand knowledge of your spitting upon me, not the actual spittle. Call me whatever you like - you have the right to express your anger and frustration with me too. I suppose we really don't know each other's human faces, and now we never will.
Oh, and money sucks.
-M.
So YES, I put a picture up for auction of myself that Goldenwolf drew for me. Now I hear they're all up in arms about it. Well, welcome to my reality - I'M BROKE.
Not "Oh I can't afford a new shirt" broke. Not "Oh, no new CD for me!" broke. No "Oh, I can't afford to see a movie today" broke. It's BROKE.
I can't feed my cats - something I loathe. I'd rather starve myself than not be able to feed my animals. I can't feed us either, tho. We have no food in the house, and can't buy more. We can't pay any of our bills. Our rent eats Jason's miserable paycheque. We can't afford to go out and sit anywhere with a drink, or have a puppy, or any of the niceties of life.
Yeah, so you don't want the whole fucking sob story. I don't blame you. I certainly don't like living it. As previous posts have indicated, I'm ready to throw away my whole life I've established here, just to work a full-time job, kill myself, and give Jason a chance to live up to his potential. I LOVE him. I don't want to see him stuck where he is forever.
It's about damn time I pulled my weight.
Until then, I hope and I pray and I work here, online. I advertise my auctions. I try to do what I can from home to help ease our load. It's not doing it anymore. No-one's buying in the summer lull. And there's no-one here that's going to bail me out - no-one's going to pay my bills - no-one's going to hand me money. I don't want anyone to - It's about damn time I had my own pride. This is my own life. I determine whether I succeed or fail.
My cats can't wait for the summer lull to end so they can eat - esp. not Liath. She's nursing. Everytime she cries because she's hungry it makes me feel utterly worthless. What kind of human being can't keep a cat fed?
I am selling one of the only things that a)I can part with, and b)that has any worth online. Anything else I can do has failed. There's no alterior motive - I just really need the money.
YES, I am a fucking HAG, if you like. One can only throw energy into a black hole for so long. I've tried leaving things open-ended (although I'm sure you find that hard to believe)to see if someday someone will talk to me, to find out why I'm angry and frustrated, and I get a wall. I'm not going to spend forever staring at a wall wondering if it'll ever come down. I wish I had that much patience.
To be honest, the picture you made me, Christy, is hollow. It doesn't bring me joy anymore. Instead, it makes me wonder if you ever really gave a damn about me. It's not vibrant, or living - it's just a piece of paper with a dead face on it. So perhaps selling it serves two purposes - a)money, and b)the final cleansing. It doesn't do me any good to keep it. One would think that if I'm the hag you think I am, that I would have destroyed it, or defaced it, or something much more hurtful than passing it on for someone else to enjoy. If I had the means, I'd simply send it back to you. Call it closure.
So go ahead and rant and rail in your ivory tower. Your words will never reach me - I get second-hand knowledge of your spitting upon me, not the actual spittle. Call me whatever you like - you have the right to express your anger and frustration with me too. I suppose we really don't know each other's human faces, and now we never will.
Oh, and money sucks.
-M.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-16 02:52 pm (UTC)Yup.
Date: 2002-08-16 10:37 pm (UTC)-M.
"Money sucks"
Date: 2002-08-17 04:21 pm (UTC)I can sympathise with your situation. My family has never been well off and we've often found ourselves giving up our dignity and pride for survival. You do what you gotta do, and if your friends can't respect the strength of character it takes to pull through such a life, then maybe said friendships just aren't there.
Later, and good luck!