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witchscauldronI was feeling green last night. Needed something foresty, and ghostly...makes me think of being brushed by the wings of Uriel, whom I have always visualized having these great velvety black-green wings that are silent like an owl's. So we have new colours here. Moss and forest...mm.
I was hoping there'd be folks online this morning, to help distract me from my migraine, but there are very few people around at all. Which is ok, because it might give me the impetus to go back to sleep at some point, and continue living offline...but somehow I doubt I'll break the bond of my renewed addiction to this pseudolife on my screen anytime soon.
So yes..my migraine. My entire house is dark, no lights but the screen, curtains closed, and I'm wearing sunglasses. I have a great set of fireworks going on in the back of my eyes, and I wonder if this would just keep going if I just kept trying to wait it out. I don't really like the nausea much, and the fact that I have to take my diabetes medication still isn't helping. Gar....but at the same time the last occasion I had a migraine and wound up at the hospital they had to give me morphine to get rid of the damn thing. And then the morphine didn't get out of my system for 3 days...
Ah well. The day will go on, and we'll see what happens.
I haven't been feeling...animal-ish...very much at all. Occasionally I have an urge to hunt mice, the moon is still a lovely thing that fills my soul, and I feel the pull of the wind ever so often...but I don't Change at all these days. It's like that level of awareness has withdrawn, somewhat, as I'm stuck dealing with a whole lot of very human issues that they don't really seem to want to be a part of, or need to be. A wolf doesn't care why it can't eat sugar - I don't think it would. A raven doesn't care why you can't leave your house to go to LARP - it is either always alone, always mated, or in a parliament with hundreds of others. I don't think wolves understand social anxiety, either. I do find, though, that my Owl totem is a comfort...very solitary, quietly present. Hrmm.
I have been thinking about something that came out of my reiki treatment. The ladies there told me that my heart felt like it was encased in stone to them - I'd built a wall so thick and so old that it was literally heavy. Likewise, my elbows were a mess - I don't doubt that, given that they actually manage to crack. Apparently they got the sense that I'd been holding up a shield for a very long time...and my elbows were strained and sore from it.
Well, I understood the shields, both of them. My outer shield is a necessity, in my opinion. It is a part of both being a magickal practicioner, and knowing my way around the astral - I DON'T leave myself open to random attack. But at the same time...I am tired of always having to be totally on the defensive. I'm sick of waiting for the next barrage of venom. There has been so much bullshit and falseness and lying and drama in the last 3 years of my life from people I opened myself up to that it's small wonder I'm always carrying this shield defensively. I'd like to think it's just a passive, precaution I wear, but I know better. I hold it firmly over me, because I'm tired of being constantly in pain. I'm sick of knowing that I will never drop this shield if I don't do it now. Problem is...as someone who walks with a Warrior Goddess...I'm not really sure how.
when I teach people to shield, I always tell them NOT to build walls, or use stones - it blocks positive energy as well as the negative. Heh. I guess I never even considered what I was doing to my own heart-shield, internally. That second shield...i tell you. It actually hurts. Somedays, when I am upset, it aches so badly I think I'm having a heart attack. It's been that way since I was a child. And to be honest, I'm somewhat frightened to think of what will happen if I take it down. I want people to love me...I just don't let them. :\ My tribe - oh, Gods love them - they have helped me in more ways than they could possibly ever know, and I am so grateful that they have allowed me to be part of their lives. I hope that someday my heart will be free to love them as they deserve.
I'm feeling restless again. I'll be around...and please, people; talk to me? I've missed it.
-M.
I was hoping there'd be folks online this morning, to help distract me from my migraine, but there are very few people around at all. Which is ok, because it might give me the impetus to go back to sleep at some point, and continue living offline...but somehow I doubt I'll break the bond of my renewed addiction to this pseudolife on my screen anytime soon.
So yes..my migraine. My entire house is dark, no lights but the screen, curtains closed, and I'm wearing sunglasses. I have a great set of fireworks going on in the back of my eyes, and I wonder if this would just keep going if I just kept trying to wait it out. I don't really like the nausea much, and the fact that I have to take my diabetes medication still isn't helping. Gar....but at the same time the last occasion I had a migraine and wound up at the hospital they had to give me morphine to get rid of the damn thing. And then the morphine didn't get out of my system for 3 days...
Ah well. The day will go on, and we'll see what happens.
I haven't been feeling...animal-ish...very much at all. Occasionally I have an urge to hunt mice, the moon is still a lovely thing that fills my soul, and I feel the pull of the wind ever so often...but I don't Change at all these days. It's like that level of awareness has withdrawn, somewhat, as I'm stuck dealing with a whole lot of very human issues that they don't really seem to want to be a part of, or need to be. A wolf doesn't care why it can't eat sugar - I don't think it would. A raven doesn't care why you can't leave your house to go to LARP - it is either always alone, always mated, or in a parliament with hundreds of others. I don't think wolves understand social anxiety, either. I do find, though, that my Owl totem is a comfort...very solitary, quietly present. Hrmm.
I have been thinking about something that came out of my reiki treatment. The ladies there told me that my heart felt like it was encased in stone to them - I'd built a wall so thick and so old that it was literally heavy. Likewise, my elbows were a mess - I don't doubt that, given that they actually manage to crack. Apparently they got the sense that I'd been holding up a shield for a very long time...and my elbows were strained and sore from it.
Well, I understood the shields, both of them. My outer shield is a necessity, in my opinion. It is a part of both being a magickal practicioner, and knowing my way around the astral - I DON'T leave myself open to random attack. But at the same time...I am tired of always having to be totally on the defensive. I'm sick of waiting for the next barrage of venom. There has been so much bullshit and falseness and lying and drama in the last 3 years of my life from people I opened myself up to that it's small wonder I'm always carrying this shield defensively. I'd like to think it's just a passive, precaution I wear, but I know better. I hold it firmly over me, because I'm tired of being constantly in pain. I'm sick of knowing that I will never drop this shield if I don't do it now. Problem is...as someone who walks with a Warrior Goddess...I'm not really sure how.
when I teach people to shield, I always tell them NOT to build walls, or use stones - it blocks positive energy as well as the negative. Heh. I guess I never even considered what I was doing to my own heart-shield, internally. That second shield...i tell you. It actually hurts. Somedays, when I am upset, it aches so badly I think I'm having a heart attack. It's been that way since I was a child. And to be honest, I'm somewhat frightened to think of what will happen if I take it down. I want people to love me...I just don't let them. :\ My tribe - oh, Gods love them - they have helped me in more ways than they could possibly ever know, and I am so grateful that they have allowed me to be part of their lives. I hope that someday my heart will be free to love them as they deserve.
I'm feeling restless again. I'll be around...and please, people; talk to me? I've missed it.
-M.
