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witchscauldronYes, still snowing. Perhaps I will go take a picture in a couple of minutes..it's really quite white outside. I like having snow. Just not going out. Actually, I don't hate the outside world. I just hate the number of other people in the outside world.
Erf. Slept badly again. This is really starting to throw my whole system off. I'm moody as all fuck again, only I seem to occilate between "blank" and "just damn well leave me alone". I find myself wondering if life and the survival instinct will override any sort of "death" magick one could perform on ones' self. Yes, I realize that sounds both incredibly angsty and very stupid. It probably is. Doesn't stop me from wondering, though.
I did get some painting done. Space trees, triple spirals, and ravens oh my...I should try to finish that this weekend. I also applied for a job yesterday. It...well, I mean...gah. It wasn't good. I NEED a job. I know that. Online is slow as hell money-wise lately - i.e I'm not making any. But I sent off my resume, and then promptly had a good...three or four hour long anxiety attack. Right down to the "let's curl up in the blankets, avoid the world, and bawl" stage. Gah. I disgust myself sometimes.
Finally got my floor mopped. It was so nasty. You can always tell when I'm in my failed perfectionist mode because I pick at things until they bleed (literally, sometimes), but I can't seem to muster the energy to actually DO something about it. Hense the "failed" appelation. I'm quite good at it...years of practice. I expect perfection...but I also expect to fail. That way I never disappoint myself. Instead it just gets added to the running total of crap I keep in my self-loathing column of my personal accounting sheet. Why I have one of those when I'm terrible at math I'll never understand.
So yes...I'm lots of fun. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't like myself. I can't seem to get anything done. I can't sleep. Should I ever break out of this cycle...well, I'd imagine I'll have "found Jesus" before then. I think that'd make a funnier "Where's Waldo?" than the dork with the red and white stripes.
Anyway...I'm off to take pictures in the snow and avoid myself for a while.
-m.
Erf. Slept badly again. This is really starting to throw my whole system off. I'm moody as all fuck again, only I seem to occilate between "blank" and "just damn well leave me alone". I find myself wondering if life and the survival instinct will override any sort of "death" magick one could perform on ones' self. Yes, I realize that sounds both incredibly angsty and very stupid. It probably is. Doesn't stop me from wondering, though.
I did get some painting done. Space trees, triple spirals, and ravens oh my...I should try to finish that this weekend. I also applied for a job yesterday. It...well, I mean...gah. It wasn't good. I NEED a job. I know that. Online is slow as hell money-wise lately - i.e I'm not making any. But I sent off my resume, and then promptly had a good...three or four hour long anxiety attack. Right down to the "let's curl up in the blankets, avoid the world, and bawl" stage. Gah. I disgust myself sometimes.
Finally got my floor mopped. It was so nasty. You can always tell when I'm in my failed perfectionist mode because I pick at things until they bleed (literally, sometimes), but I can't seem to muster the energy to actually DO something about it. Hense the "failed" appelation. I'm quite good at it...years of practice. I expect perfection...but I also expect to fail. That way I never disappoint myself. Instead it just gets added to the running total of crap I keep in my self-loathing column of my personal accounting sheet. Why I have one of those when I'm terrible at math I'll never understand.
So yes...I'm lots of fun. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't like myself. I can't seem to get anything done. I can't sleep. Should I ever break out of this cycle...well, I'd imagine I'll have "found Jesus" before then. I think that'd make a funnier "Where's Waldo?" than the dork with the red and white stripes.
Anyway...I'm off to take pictures in the snow and avoid myself for a while.
-m.
