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witchscauldronFirst: Happy birthday, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
barkman. <3 No snow today, but maybe tommorow.
What I Ate
Wow. Compared to yesterday, this question almost feels like a throwaway.
So far today I've had some apple juice, and leftovers for my first meal - a slow-brasied stewing steak in mushroom gravy, over peas and mashed potatoes.
Food is a contentious thing, for me. Eating in general is one of those thing I think I'd be happy to forgo, if there was an easier way to get the nutrition I need without ingesting. Trying to eat around allergies, diabetes, a ticky gallbladder, and my acid reflux sucks balls. I never know what is going to set me off - or if something that didn't previously will this time.
This causes me some cognitive dissonance as well, since I -love- to try new things, and experience different flavours and textures. I love to cook and bake, and I am a bit of a foodie. I just wish that actually physically eating didn't come with so many strings attached, these days.
I can't say what the rest of my day will bring me. I'll certainly have a glass of milk in the evening. I might have an apple later. I'll probably eat a couple of mini chocolate bars, despite myself. We're off to J's parents for dinner tonight, and I have no idea what they're serving us tonight for his birthday.
Birth, death, and rebirth.
A tangled skein, all of this.
I'm pretty indifferent to 'birth'. by and large. Childbirth and motherhood are two Mysteries I am never going to experience, and frankly, I find that a relief, rather than a disappointment. I give birth to other things: music, art, poetry, craft. It isn't the same, but it is what I have.
Babies are wailing, drooling noise machines, and I find myself largely repulsed or irritated by them, rather than finding them cute or attractive. Once a baby becomes a toddler, it's a little better. Although I'm not hugely fond of children at any age, I can deal with kids for a few hours at a time so long as they're mostly independant beings. And for some damn reason kids seem to like me.
This year has been the year that all my friends and family decided to have kids at once, so I'm lacking anything close to excitement about babies. I'm burnt out on the concept. I really want to be happy for you all - but seriously, I'm not going to fake enthusiasm that I don't feel. I realize I'm going to have to wait a couple years for you to come back from Babyville and talk to me like a normal adult. Some of you are better than others about this. Don't take it personally that I don't want to visit you in the Land of Dirty Diapers and Spit-up. It doesn't mean I hate you, or all parents. I realize that everyone was a baby once. I just don't have the ability to cope with small wiggly humans.
Other people just don't help me with this. Either I'm an childless object of pity, or I'm a child-hater for wanting to avoid them. There's no winning that one.
I think I get on with Death a little better. I have always been taught that death is natural, and shouldn't be something to fear. I expect things to decay, to crumble, to end. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how much you'd like it to. States of decay are beautiful, and it's ok to embrace them for what they are. Who knows - maybe I'm just a hopeless pessimist. It's easier for me to see what's coming apart, than what's coming together.
Spiritually speaking, I seem to be at the deeper end of the pool. The Mysteries I've experienced are often related to death, to the unwinding of the spiral. Everyone falls somewhere in the balance of things - my particular balance seems be Fall into Winter.
I think part of my comfort with Death comes from my family's hunting. The deer that gave his life to feed my family became an honoured part of the antler wall; the pheasant's plumage treasured and saved, hearing the respect in my uncle's or grandfather's voice when they spoke of their quarry. They have the utmost respect for the animals they hunt.
I wasn't sheltered from those deaths; I can remember deer's eyes staring empty from the hanging stand, pulling the feathers from limp game birds, the feel of a furry hide contrasting with a naked, skinned carcass. I understood that in order for me to live, things died, and in eating these animals I took on my share of responsibility for their deaths.
Rebirth. I'm honestly on the fence on this one. On one hand, I think it's entirely plausible. I do think that what comes from the Source, eventually returns, and is sent out again. Whether or not what is sent out again retains any memory of its' previous experience, I simply
don't know.
Rebirth and reincarnation is a huge part of my path. I have sworn oaths which are rooted in the concept of being reborn, and I intent to uphold that which I've sworn, always.
But really...I just don't know. I'm more comfortable hoping that Death is the end of me and my awareness, than I am with resting in Summerland and then being reborn, or living forever in some great beyond. I don't remember past lives, as some people claim to, and I haven't really enjoyed life thus far enough to want to repeat the experience. But if that's what it is - that's what it is. I won't know until I get there.
barkman. <3 No snow today, but maybe tommorow.What I Ate
Wow. Compared to yesterday, this question almost feels like a throwaway.
So far today I've had some apple juice, and leftovers for my first meal - a slow-brasied stewing steak in mushroom gravy, over peas and mashed potatoes.
Food is a contentious thing, for me. Eating in general is one of those thing I think I'd be happy to forgo, if there was an easier way to get the nutrition I need without ingesting. Trying to eat around allergies, diabetes, a ticky gallbladder, and my acid reflux sucks balls. I never know what is going to set me off - or if something that didn't previously will this time.
This causes me some cognitive dissonance as well, since I -love- to try new things, and experience different flavours and textures. I love to cook and bake, and I am a bit of a foodie. I just wish that actually physically eating didn't come with so many strings attached, these days.
I can't say what the rest of my day will bring me. I'll certainly have a glass of milk in the evening. I might have an apple later. I'll probably eat a couple of mini chocolate bars, despite myself. We're off to J's parents for dinner tonight, and I have no idea what they're serving us tonight for his birthday.
Birth, death, and rebirth.
A tangled skein, all of this.
I'm pretty indifferent to 'birth'. by and large. Childbirth and motherhood are two Mysteries I am never going to experience, and frankly, I find that a relief, rather than a disappointment. I give birth to other things: music, art, poetry, craft. It isn't the same, but it is what I have.
Babies are wailing, drooling noise machines, and I find myself largely repulsed or irritated by them, rather than finding them cute or attractive. Once a baby becomes a toddler, it's a little better. Although I'm not hugely fond of children at any age, I can deal with kids for a few hours at a time so long as they're mostly independant beings. And for some damn reason kids seem to like me.
This year has been the year that all my friends and family decided to have kids at once, so I'm lacking anything close to excitement about babies. I'm burnt out on the concept. I really want to be happy for you all - but seriously, I'm not going to fake enthusiasm that I don't feel. I realize I'm going to have to wait a couple years for you to come back from Babyville and talk to me like a normal adult. Some of you are better than others about this. Don't take it personally that I don't want to visit you in the Land of Dirty Diapers and Spit-up. It doesn't mean I hate you, or all parents. I realize that everyone was a baby once. I just don't have the ability to cope with small wiggly humans.
Other people just don't help me with this. Either I'm an childless object of pity, or I'm a child-hater for wanting to avoid them. There's no winning that one.
I think I get on with Death a little better. I have always been taught that death is natural, and shouldn't be something to fear. I expect things to decay, to crumble, to end. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how much you'd like it to. States of decay are beautiful, and it's ok to embrace them for what they are. Who knows - maybe I'm just a hopeless pessimist. It's easier for me to see what's coming apart, than what's coming together.
Spiritually speaking, I seem to be at the deeper end of the pool. The Mysteries I've experienced are often related to death, to the unwinding of the spiral. Everyone falls somewhere in the balance of things - my particular balance seems be Fall into Winter.
I think part of my comfort with Death comes from my family's hunting. The deer that gave his life to feed my family became an honoured part of the antler wall; the pheasant's plumage treasured and saved, hearing the respect in my uncle's or grandfather's voice when they spoke of their quarry. They have the utmost respect for the animals they hunt.
I wasn't sheltered from those deaths; I can remember deer's eyes staring empty from the hanging stand, pulling the feathers from limp game birds, the feel of a furry hide contrasting with a naked, skinned carcass. I understood that in order for me to live, things died, and in eating these animals I took on my share of responsibility for their deaths.
Rebirth. I'm honestly on the fence on this one. On one hand, I think it's entirely plausible. I do think that what comes from the Source, eventually returns, and is sent out again. Whether or not what is sent out again retains any memory of its' previous experience, I simply
don't know.
Rebirth and reincarnation is a huge part of my path. I have sworn oaths which are rooted in the concept of being reborn, and I intent to uphold that which I've sworn, always.
But really...I just don't know. I'm more comfortable hoping that Death is the end of me and my awareness, than I am with resting in Summerland and then being reborn, or living forever in some great beyond. I don't remember past lives, as some people claim to, and I haven't really enjoyed life thus far enough to want to repeat the experience. But if that's what it is - that's what it is. I won't know until I get there.
