no subject

Sometimes things ring too true to your mind...but you can't quite figure out what or why. Sometimes the truth is terrifying, and it aches so deep in your bones....and this event, place, person, moment...is true, is inevitable and unavoidable. Even as you don't understand what it is. It can come from a phrase, a movie, something you see walking down the street. It can come from nowhere.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I really don't want to watch something, read something, hear something....and I don't know why. I just don't. The little voice from the speaker labelled "Intuition" in my brain announces "You don't really have any need to do/see/hear/read that". Normally I will just shrug, go along with it, and it doesn't bother me to do so. And then sometimes I don't listen, I do/see/hear/read the thing anyway....and I abruptly begin to wish I hadn't. I get that feeling of something awful...some half-recognized but unclear awareness of something similar to something else...a clarion note of alarm and discomfort that is related to whatever I am doing...but the exact reason why will never come clear to my mind.

I cry. I have anxiety. I stress, I worry, I wonder, I bawl some more. I become some hideous stricken beast who cannot clear her mind, either to forget the screaming in my head, or to discover what started the screaming in the first place. All I know is some buried, dischordant nerve has been struck, struck hard by some vagrant, obfuscated phrase or image, some evoked emotion or scenery...and I won't sleep tonight.

Sometimes when you stand between worlds, you get pulled into pieces.

-M.