*blink*

Well, not quite awake. Merf. I see that no-one wanted to comment in the post below this one, but that's ok - I don't really mind. I just thought more people had an opinion about me. *LOL* So much for ego, eh?

It's been getting colder here, snowing off and on between late autumn rain. It's been grey, but the rare days where it is clear it is also sharply cool and requiring a scarf. But I love my scarf, so it's all good.

lynxspirit has invited me to a howl in the summer, out in the faraway place of Colorado. A grrl howl! :D I'd love to go. I'll hitchhike if I have to...maybe. O_o I dunno. I would really love to be there. Just the thought of hanging out with like-minded people of the animal-people persuasion...mrr!

I have some other thoughts percolating, about washing dishes, folding laundry....the kitten seems to love sleeping on whatever I've just dumped out of the basket to fold, and then attacking me when I go to move it so I can fold it. And once I wrestle it free, he moves on to the next item. Silly thing!

Oh! And the aforepromised, albeit a while back, pictures of the snow we had 2 weekends ago. :) These were from Jeff's backyard, which overlooks the back-end of Jackson Park. :) It's the werewolf's park of choice in Peterborough.
( Cricky cricky! )

Ok. I have absolutely nothing left to say in this post. I will be around...
-m.

Urgh.

I was going to game tonight - honest! Instead, it's the third game in a row I've missed. Sicker than a damn dog - not the fun (relatively speaking) of vomiting stomach acid. No, all the joy is down at t'other damn end. I'd prefer the vomit. I don't know if it's the glucophase, or what.

I think I have it figured, though. I'm not stressed. I don't really stress about game...not at the surface, anyway. But I can't go. Anxious. Makes me absolutely anxious to think, or worse yet BE, surrounded by 40 other people. I don't want to have a social anxiety disorder, but over the last while it's gotten worse.

I'm no good at parties - mostly I avoid them, or at best sit in a corner and put up my invisibility forcefield. Why would LARP be any different? Doesn't make me hold out much hope for travelling places, visiting new and strange people, trying new things.

It does make me cry, tho. Jason left tonight for game, having breezed in at fucking 7:40 pm (a piss-off in and of itself, but neither here nor there), asking why I wasn't already at game (as if I'd go without him), if I'd eaten (as if I'd eat without him, not knowing when he'd come home), and then if I was ready to go. I was working on some pendants. I'd had those gods-awful clenching pains and a half-hour in the bathroom 40 minutes before he came home - like I wanted to go out and eat McDonald's or something equally joyous to my colon. I went to put my boots on - and thusly ran back to the bathroom and spent another 10 minutes there. I told him I wasn't going. He left.

He left, and I started to cry. The car didn't even leave the driveway, and I was crying. I don't know why, but I spent 45 minutes just fucking bawling. I'm sure my cats were staring at me like I was some sort of leaky alien, all black streaked (running eyeliner) and blubbering. I just couldn't stop. I don't know why I started. *sigh*

I can tell when I'm having panic attacks. I just can't stop them at any point.

Blah. So I am here, cramping and clutching my guts, having had to eat something despite the pain, bored out of my mind. Diet soda still tastes like ass. Tonight I would gladly put a gun barrel in my mouth and paint the walls Hint O' Brain. As it stands, I'll probably just fuck around with my clay some more and try not to think.

-m.